sorry i never answered (or called back). i knew you were going to call at 10am. i even set an alarm. but i also set my phone on dnd. i thought it was better that way because maybe you would think my phone was broken or didn’t have service or something other than me simply not wanting to talk to you because the truth is: i did not. i also did not want to stare at my phone waiting for you to stop calling because then i probably would have answered. you called from an unknown number twice and then once from your personal number. you even left a voicemail. its been three months and i haven’t deleted it because i cant in the same way that i cant listen to any of it after you say “hi this is…”. so it’s just there and it fills me with guilt because i cant tell you these things because i don’t know how and i wish i did.
the first time we called i wanted to hang up within the first three minutes. i don’t really remember what we said. i just know i lied to you. i don’t think you were listening or maybe you said routine things you say to everyone. i’m not sure but i felt unheard. i also couldn’t stop thinking about how i couldn’t vocalize everything i wanted to tell you. i think i wanted to tell you everything so that you understood but i didn’t know how so i was incoherent. i also don’t know if you know this but i stopped everything. i’m not sure if they tell you that but i guess i should be the one telling you. i know its probably unhealthy. but i felt fabricated and i felt the same. i guess i wanted things that were unrealistic.
i want to call you sometimes. but then i would have to say all of this and i dread that. also i feel like i wasted your time. i wish i could start over. start from when i first met you when you knew nothing but what they told you about me. i even lied about that except i know why. i wanted to feel okay. i wanted to feel like something was happening even though nothing was.
i wish i could send this to you. or say this out loud instead of it being on an unknown blog in the depths of the internet. also i’m not sure if i want to see you again but i think for now this is okay.
gaby
scatterbrain 