First of all, I don’t know if this post follows the rules. But I want to do it this way, so whatever. You are the person I most want to write a letter to, but it’s hard to think of what to say. I looked through the old letters I had written you after, and it felt really good remembering some of the things I recorded. So I’m going to transcribe one letter here. I love you always.
6/19/2017
Dear N,
I love you N. And I don’t want to be sappy– I know you would have laughed at all the strangers and fakes pouring their hearts out on insta. Because obviously this letter is for me and my own selfish sadness because you’re gone* and there’s nothing I can do about it. To think that there’s something I could have done is to put myself at the center of your story, and that’s not fair to you, your family, or those closest to you. But you did make such an immeasurable difference in my life- and I am in debt to you for that. I love you so much.
Highlights include:
-the derivative dance
-talking shit about SO MANY PEOPLE xoxo gossip whore
-when you put M’s # on the board/TV
-just all of Pippin… wow (ex. J: “do I have to flame your ass you Justin Bieber piece of shit”
-all your tech inventions (snapchat ticket sales, scene notifications)
-you telling P she parked like shit after we rode in her car for the first time
-all the times you brought in pre-show cookies
-when you slapped my ass and I thought it was M
-when we went to pizza before an improv show and you called J a blockhead
-your stairwell flips
-“n.d.p. certified whore”
-your improv fame: ripstick genie, Hobart Jones
-your lack of decision making ability
-when you called me Lady Epsilon
-when you made me into a calculator meme
-when you drew me explicitly defined and watching bugs
-talking about the hot guys of short fiction
-red head fetish
-when Cadigan woke me up and I screamed and you were like wtf Gwen
-“let me spill some tea”
-your A+ facial expressions
-every time you pushed me into H
-girl gaggle
-“just had to sneak bae in”
-Dr. RRRRRRRRRR!!!
-When we made an ice rink during onstage
-the onstage couple we creeped on
-Del Peps
-your fab pic in the yearbook
-your hardcore Spanish projects
-when you poured milk on me!
-girl who hates society**
-when JK hit you with a badminton paddle and then caressed your face lol
-making P’s senior gift together (and our failed video)
-singing you’ll be back
-every cast party
-“ew”
“is it a dress? or is it pants?”
-ANARCHY!
-“I wish ;)”
-the snowballs and you freaking out
-you teaching me and N how to pack for roots and shoots
-that time you sent H the pic that looked like him and he responded RIGHT AWAY
-your sem scene (especially reading it for the first time in the hallway)
*Gone is the wrong word. Gone was a word that came to me in grief. I miss you every day, but I also feel you with me every day.
**This still makes me laugh so hard.
I was going to include a section in this post describing what I’d add to that 2017 letter now, three years letter. But I genuinely would not add anything. Reading that letter as it is, and re-writing it here, makes me feel closer to you. And that is an invaluable feeling.
scatterbrain 