how to steal my identity, or at least my vernacular

You can often think of a friend (if you have friends) and imagine things that they often say, things that you yourself would say in your mediocre impression of them. Gaby’s famous phrase, for example, is “wooOOOOooo” no matter how much she wants it to be “fuck it, we ball”. Ruby’s is “ugh PAIN”, and Gwen’s is “i’m not a chinga or anything”. And this led to me to thinking about what are things that I often say, things that someone who murdered me and assumed my identity would HAVE to say in order to not be suspected of murder and identity theft. Here is a list of things you should say if you are my soon-to-be murderer:

(keep in mind these are things that I have noticed, so there may very well be more because everything I say is so memorable and all my friends can’t get enough of me)

• i’m spectacularly fantastic, thanks for asking!
• ez money
• TO BE FAIR–
• it’s okay for you to be wrong
• well you know what they say, [insert idiom that is not at all appropriate for the situation at hand]
• okay whitey (only appropriate when speaking to a white person)
• hi my name is oswaldo and i will be your tour guide today i use he/him pronouns and i am fr-
• did i ASK? (only appropriate after asking a question)
• it’s about the motion of the ocean
• you’re gonna EAT my ASS????

remember me when i’m dead famous,

oswaldo.